Cat
by Saint Danielle
Summary: Soma buys a lollipop. Kurokiba is not pleased.


"HAHAHAHAHA!"

I swear on my pride as a chef I will kill you, Soma.

"HAHAHAHA!"

And you too, Akira.

You too!

"Will you two assholes do something other than laugh?!" This is what I wanted to say.

Key word: _wanted_.

The life as the only normal person with Aho-yama and So-moron is hard. One is the Spice Freak and acts like a housewife and that annoying older brother with holier than thou attitude. And another has this "amazing" ability to find trouble and attract it to all of us. Seriously, we leave Soma for a few minutes alone and he ends up dragging us to some kind of adventure like those anime protagonists!

And today...

I fell victim to one of them.

It was a simple shopping trip. Got what we needed for the upcoming school festival. (I picked the fish, even though Akira kept pestering me on how he smelled a better one.) Pff, like I would trust his nose better than my experience.

Anyway, we got some time left and decided to visit the Sumiredori shopping district. Exchange greetings with some of the neighbors and maybe work the shop for a few hours.

That, however, was not destined to happen because of a certain redheaded moron!

 _"Greetings, my fellow humanoids!" The man was a total creep. And that is something coming from the guy who saw lots of unsavory characters as a child. Honestly, he looked like the stereotypical show owner from the cheesy horror movie. You know, the guy from the shop, that **magically** appeared out of nowhere, offering you a fancy gift for free. Only for the said gift to be cursed and bite your face off while you are sleeping. "Would you care for some free candy?"_

 _He grinned, showing off his yellow teeth, holding out three lolipops._

 _"No, thanks."_

 _I watched enough of that shit._

 _"Nah."_

 _Akira too._

 _"I'll have one!"_

 _Damn it, Soma!_

 _"Just make sure that you brush your teeth after eating it!" The man said in a sing-song tone before breaking into a crazy laughter. Only Soma looked completely unfazed by that._

 _"Just throw it away, Soma." I said, giving him the annoyed look. That guy looked all kinds of shady!_

 _"Oh, come on. Maybe this will give me some ideas for the new dish I am wroking on!"_

 _"Or you will get food poisoning." Akira said, giving the candy a scpetic look. "Soma, I am pretty sure I can see the evil in this candy."_

 _Okay, that was a bit- Holy shit!_

 _I looked at the candy._

 _And the dark shadows stared back at me, creepy smiles and glaring red eyes._

 _"Fuck, just get rid of it, already!"_

 _"... Okay. I am going to prove to you that it's just a normal candy."_

 _"And how are you-"_

 _Next thing I knew, the idiot stuffed his freaking lolipop into my mouth! ... Now, don't let your fantasy even go **there** or I will castrate you right at the spot!_

 _I tasted apple, mint, sugar,..._

 _...and evil._

"Oh just look at this cute angry little kitten!" Yuuki, you have five seconds to get your hands off me before I claw your eyes out, dammit! If that candy didn't take away my ability to speak, I would give a swear storm! "Oh, he looks so cure when he is glaring!"

I will show you cute, you game meat obsessed bi-

"Where did you find him?" Tadokoro asks concerned, giving me nervous looks. The duo of dumbasses I grew up with come up with some lie about me being a stray. Well, they are not wrong. I am a stray to the bone in a way. But I am not a cat! "And where is Kurokiba-kun?"

I am here! Shit, that is the last time I let Soma feed me some candy he found in the new store across the road. Fuck, that guy looked like the character from the cheesy horror movie! Soma, I swear to God, you must be the only person who ignored his evil cackling when you bought that lollipop!

"Oh, he is, hehe, he-" Soma tries to come up with a lie, while struggling not to die of laughter. Then he calms down and gives me a cattish grin. Soma! Whatever you have in mind, don't you dare- "I would say he is not _feline_ well!"

-make cat puns.

That bloody son of a-

"Really?" Tadokoro looked worried. "Should we go check him?"

"Oh no, I am pretty sure that right now he wouldn't want anyone to visit him," Thank you, Spice Freak. You are not that bad. Wait, why is he grinning like that? "I am absolutely _paw-_ sitive of that."

Bastard!

"Is Mister Fluffyjingles alright?"

Who the FUCK is Mister Fluffyjingles?! Yoshino, I swear, if you are talking about me, I am so pissing in your shoes!

And I don't feel any shame about it!

"Mister Fluffyjingles?" Oh no, Soma has this shit eating grin again! If he does something stupid... I will kill him! Oh, who am kitt-ing, it's Soma we are talking about!

 _._

 _._

 _._

Did I just make a cat pun? Shit, it's contagious! Fuck you guys!

They must never learn of it.

"But her name is Ms. Furrybottom!"

The fuck?

"Wait, is it a girl?" Yoshino gave a confused look to me. Don't look at me like this! I am 100% male, dammit!

"Well, none of us checked it so..." Akira drawled out suggestively.

"Oooh! I can check it!"

How the hell is she going to... check... my gender...

FUCK!

You stay the fuck away from me!

"Oh, she is running away!"

He! He is running away! I am a guy!

"Miss Furrybottom, wait up!"

I will skin those two alive.

With that vow, I ran. It was weird using all four limbs to move around. Not to mention the way the world looked to my now much smaller form.

Suddenly, I smelled something really good.

Fish...! YAY!

...

"Crap... I am starting to think like a cat!" I turned away from the direction, refusing to give in to the feline part of me. Yes, just like that. I have far too much of willpower to break so easily! Even if... the smell... is just... "I guess there is no harm in quick snack... Yeah, definitely no harm."

After all, what is the worst thing that could happen?

* * *

 _What's the worst thing that could happen?_

"Famous last words..." I wanted to groan but only let out a meowing sound. Of all the people who could be cooking fish, it just had to be her! That little pompous-

"I see you like your bow!" Kawashima Urara looked at me, her smile wide and eyes glistening. She changed her tone to cooing and cupped my fluffy cheeks. "Don't you just love the pink bow on your head~?"

No, I hate it!

And I hate you!

I tried to convey all my anger and hatred into the manliest roar of the beast!

"Meow!"

And that came out... Shit!

"I knew you would love it!"

Double shit!

"Ah~ You can't even imagine how long I wanted to have a pet!"

You can't imagine how much I want to kill right now.

"My parents have always been away on their business trips or charity galas..." Huh? I didn't notice the change in her tone. She didn't do a 180 flip but... Her voice sounded much more solemn. Well, as long as she didn't dress me up in anything pink, I am cool with that. "And whatever pet I wanted, all of them would be trained to the point they were more like toys rather than living things."

I know a thing or two about training like this. Heck, when I was running that pub, I ended up breaking some men into machines focused on cutting, peeling and washing!

That never was fun.

"Oh?" She picked up her phone. A text message? Since I couldn't exactly use the remote and not make the girl think I am a genius cat (knowing her, she would get me on TV or something), I had no other way to amuse myself but watch the girl's face change from expression to another. Well, at least, that was something to watch. "Wait, what do you mean, today's Shokugeki was cancelled?"

Anger.

Her face loses all and any spark around it. There is fire in her eyes.

The desire for blood.

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

Acceptance.

She cools off quite quickly, her voice becoming not gentle but rather cold.

Heh, he can practically see the person on the other end shivering from sudden chill up his/her spine.

"No, it's alright."

That's a lie.

"Trust me, it's okay!" She exclaims cheerfully, her voice so sweet that it makes you want to run. Sickening sweetness so intense that your teeth rot and blood freezes. "It's not like I was preparing myself all day for this Shokugeki."

He casts a brief glance at the make-up products all so close to the mirror, so faint scent of the perfume in the air.

Yeah, right. She didn't prepare herself at all.

"Okay, bye! Oh, just before you hang up, I wanted to say," and now the cruel smirk spreads across her face. He doesn't hear what she says. But, for some reason, the light in the room flickers, the sunny day outside is replaced by dark of the night and stormy and thunder. And right now Kurokiba is feeling both scared (which is weird for him) and, for some unknown reason, strongly turned on. "Try to keep your lights on at night, bye!"

And just like that, everything is back to normal.

Except for the girl, who looks more exhausted.

And so she lies, breathing tiredly.

IS it because he is a cat that he feels the negativity in her? He remembers that time when one of the workers found some cat in the box outside their pub. That little ball of fur wouldn't leave him alone. Considering how much of a dog guy Kurokiba was, they didn't get along.

Until one day when he had a pretty shitty day and that furball just laid on his chest. No playing around with his hair or trying to get some more fish (the sneaky bastard fooled all the workers but him, and he wouldn't fall or this).

The cat just laid there, without as much as a yawn, letting him rest.

 _Those two must never know..._ Or he would set them on fire.

"Huh?" Urara opens her eyes, the tired gaze focusing on the sudden weight on her stomach. She can't help her lips curving into a small smile. "You are trying to comfort me? How cute~"

She doesn't really put much effort in her words. Her loud, idol-like voice is not often heard unless she puts on her Moe Mask, as she calls it. Not that she needs it much right now.

"I love the attention," she whispers out of nowhere, surprising the cat. She chuckles, seeing the confused look the cat gave her in return. If she didn't know it was just a cat, she would think he could actually understand her words. "You might even say that I am addicted to it."

When did she get hooked up on this drug?

Was it her mother's numerous cooking books and her own morning TV show that pushed her to desire the same fame? Or did she decide to become famous when her crush told her he liked idols the most?

Honestly, she didn't really remember it at this point.

All she remembered was the spotlight she wanted to live under. To always shine the brightest as the eyes of the millions gazed upon her.

Call her petty. Call her selfish. Call her all the other nasty things you can throw at her.

But she wouldn't care.

Desiring the attention is the common trait among all people, she figured a long time ago. Sometimes it is more subtle, almost invisible to a normal eye. But she knows better.

Why wo we all strive to rise the highest if it is not for the desire of feeling superior? Yes, there are some _very_ rare cases of people who do it for some altruistic reason. But she isn't one of them.

She is selfish. She is self-centered. She craves the spotlight and adoration of her fans.

But, at least, she is honest with herself.

"Better than lying to yourself," she mumbles absent-mindedly, her hand resting on the cat's back. "better be honest with yourself..."

How many people out there, who have gathered fame and wealth, lie to themselves every day after all?

She often saw her mother's friends go on and on about how their charity galas would benefit the people. But when leaving some fancy restaurant, they would avoid homeless beggars like a plague.

A friend of hers, a fellow idol, kept her image as pure and wholesome as she could. But she would never admit that all the changes she took, all the choices she made, were out of her desire for fame first. Not the sake of her fans. Not the pride of her parents. But just her own desire to be seen and loved by many.

Couldn't blame her for that, really. After all, if there is a person who can be called a two-face, then it is her.

"Sometimes though...

She wondered...

"What would it be like if I never became an idol...?" She whispers, looking at the cat curiously. She doesn't expect him to talk. But she would rather talk to a cat than herself. That would be much sadder, really. "My mother would still encourage me to go here. She always wanted me to continue the family business as the restaurant owner. I guess, I would still end up in Venus Dorm. Hmm, maybe I wouldn't have all the fans chasing me..."

Maybe.

She still had her looks and her voice and her charm, after all.

 _And my modesty,_ she adds as an afterthought, sarcasm dripping from every word. _Then again I wouldn't have some creepier people stalking me either. I swear to God, I am thinking of hiring Hojo as my bodyguard at this point._

Considering that they were dormmates, and Hojo's opinion of men was as high as Mariana Trench, maybe she wouldn't even need to spend her money.

She had freedom with her finance but she wasn't one to say No to free stuff.

"Oh, and I would definitely find you so that's not that bad!" She lifts the cat, who lets out a small surprised meow, and smiles at the adorable furball in her hands. "They say, the black cats bring misfortune but... I guess I am just lucky to find one that makes me feel better on such shitty day."

...

Was it an amused look her cat was giving her? For some reason, she knew the reason behind it.

"Oh, please, you can't expect the high school girl not to swear at all, right?" The look is still there. "Yeah, I see your point. But what can you do? Idols are supposed to be the way they are. Cute, innocent and pure. But every single guy with more brain in his head than his crotch knows that nobody could be that perfect. I mean, what do they expect older idols to do at parties? Drink apple juice, play dolls and talk about some cute boys?"

The cat lets out a sound, not a meow or a hiss, but something in between, reminding a chuckle.

"Yeah, I can't believe that one either." Fans are weird, she accepted that a long time ago. Seriously, they fall in love with your stage persona and will treat you like shit if you let the mask slip off. They play it like you led them on but, in reality, who is really at fault? Is it fair of fans to make these impossibly high standards for their idols to uphold when they spend their time drooling over the said idols like they are the piece of meat? "You know, I am definitely keeping you. The best talk I had in a while."

Nao would often end up going on and on about how her "Hisako-sama" and "Soma-kun" haven't invited her to the "sinful world of true love", whatever that was.

Hojo was useful when threatening some persistent fans off but... Well, there was not much they could talk about besides cooking and how some boys were stupid. (In Hojo's case, she didn't really discriminate. She hated ALL men.)

Of course, then there was Guren. He had a good taste in clothes, decent knowledge of make up and how to keep check of your looks. By all means, he could be the perfect guy friend for girls like her... If it were not for the fact that the day he arrived, he pretty much stole a big share of her fans. As annoying as some might have been, nobody steals from her!

And the others were just not that close to her so...

"I guess that makes us the best friends." She smiles at the cat and hugs him to her chest. Huh, that's strange. It almost looks embarrassed. No, she must be seeing things. Still, it was nice to know that she looked amazing in the eyes of both humans and animals. "You really know how to make a girl feel better. Hmm, I haven't thought a lot about a name for you but... How does Kuro sound?"

Short. Sweet. Rolls of the tongue.

"I love it."

I, with my face still pressed against the fleshy mounds of the girl, could only sigh in defeat. Well, all better than being a Furrybutt or something Soma came up with. I yawned, Kawashima doing the same a moment later.

Damn those emotional talks. They really tire me out.

Her hold of me loosens, hands only wrapped around me lightly. This is my chance to escape. I can simply walk away.

And that's exactly why I am staying here right now.

Now, don't think I am a softie or something. She might be a fame hog and all, but she treated me nice and, aside from the fucking bow, didn't really annoy me. It's about respect and gratitude and nothing else.

I can run away any moment after she wakes up. Seriously, we are talking about school dorms. Not exactly some high level security here.

I close my eyes, opting to take a little nap.

And once I wake up, I am out of here on my way to vengeance!

But now...

I am just going to sleep.

Not like something is going to happen while I take a quick nap...

* * *

I was just asking for it... I was just fucking asking for it!

Whoever was up there, writing his life, Kurokiba knew the guy must be a major asshole.

Out of all the moments the stupid effect wore off, it just had to be when he fell asleep! And what do you know, he didn't even have any clothes on him, save for the freaking pink bow on his head and some choker he couldn't get off!

And the kicker?

He was found like that, his face pressed against the girl's chest by that fucking Hojo!

Now, usually, he wouldn't care what the people thought about him, but the fact that she was carrying a particularly large frying pan on her before using it as a weapon really soured his mood. Especially with how she seemed to target very valuable assets of his.

"Oh, good morning, Ryou!"

"Hey, Kurokiba!"

I stop dead in my tracks, my almost naked form, save for the jacket I stole from Kawashima's room hiding my modesty, in front of the idiots I get for friends.

And I can't help the twitch in my eye.

Good morning?

Fucking "good morning"?!

These bastards!

"Is that all you are going to say to me, you asses?" I grit out each word, trying to burn a hole in Soma's and Akira's skulls. I am pretty sure that if I try hard enough I might actually do it. Come on! "Nothing at all?"

I watch as Soma seems to think while Akira just smirks.

"Nope." Soma says with a pop.

"I do have something to say," Hayama smiles politely. With a smile, he points at my neck and his smile turns vicious. "Since when did you and Kawashima Urara become an item?"

I blink.

The blink again.

My bullshit senses aren't going off so…

"The fuck?!" I rip the choker off and look at the small metal plate. It doesn't look like it was made for the choker, honestly. More like someone ripped it from a box and sewed onto the leather strap. _Property of K. Urara. Hands off!_ "… And I paraded with this on through the campus…"

Silence.

I glare at the duo of snickering fuckers and my eyes burn in rage.

I will be avenged!

* * *

 **Hello guys!**

 **Just a one shot I decided to make for the laughs. Also wanted to try a hand in POV and see how I fare.**

 **Also, Eramis8, this was part of my headcanon for your OC, Guren, that he lives in the same dorm as Urara and has one-sided rivalry with her.**


End file.
